


Something I'm Trying Out

by notalone91



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders' Era, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 19:23:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5638891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalone91/pseuds/notalone91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(From tumblr.  I didn't realize I never posted this here.)  After a particularly bad full moon, Sirius comes back to Gryffindor tower to find Remus in a bad way. // In 1995, while stuck in Grimmauld Place indefinitely, Remus comes to find Sirius in a position mirroring his earlier predicament.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something I'm Trying Out

      It was the first warm and sunny weekend of the spring.  Fitting because it was a Hogsmeade weekend.  The entirety of the Gryffindor upperclass dorms had cleared out, leaving Remus ample time to do what he’d been thinking of doing for a long time, even planning it for a week.  
      What he hadn’t expected was someone’s early return.  
      Sirius looked around the abandoned common room.  Scattered vials, a still burning cauldron.  No book.  What was going on here?  "Remus?“  He trodded up the stairs.  He knew he’d never have left his fire burning if he’d left the tower.  Still, an ill feeling rumbled in the pit of his stomach.  When he reached the door and found it locked, he called a quick alohomora at the it and barged through, finding his startled friend still staring at the vial in his hand.  Despite not knowing what his friend was trying to do, the whole scenario led him to believe that whatever the elixir was, no good could come of it.  "Remus!  Please, Remus, put it DOWN.”  
      Still not looking up, Remus mused “Aren’t you supposed to be at Hogsmeade?”  
      “Yeah, but James is being boring with Lily and Peter doesn’t mind,” he answered, closing the gap between them a bit, “so I thought I’d come back because I’d rather be here with you.”  
      He closed his eyes, the slightest grimace crossing his face.  "Why?“  
      “Because you’re my best friend,” Sirius said, brushing harshly at a few strands of hair that dangled over his ear.   
      “Why?” He asked, now very annoyed and looking, for the first time, at Sirius.  
      Confused by the whole ordeal, he searched fruitlessly for an answer.  "Does there have to be a reason?”  
      “Yes,” he confirmed.  
      The pair lapsed into a tense silence.  "Well, then, am I yours?“  
      Remus answered instinctively, "Yes,” without a thought.  
      “Why?” Sirius asked him.   
      Expression flattening, he said, “I don’t know.”   
      “Right,” he said, closing the gap between them, “As far as I’m concerned, there is no reason.  You can’t help the people you care about.”  He grabbed the other boy’s shoulders and gave him a little shake.  "You’re my best friend because you are.  If you want me to give you reasons, you have to give me some.“  
      "That’s not the point, Sirius.”  Remus turned away and sat on the edge of his bed.  
      Crossing his arms, Sirius followed suit and sat on the bed across from him.  "Okay, then what is?“  
      Letting out a puff of breath, he shook his head and stared down at the potion.  "All I do is cause trouble.  You break laws for me all the time.   All I do…” he trailed off, lost in thought for a moment.  Sirius prodded him on.  "You didn’t see the look on James’ face.  I can’t be responsible for that.“  
"What are you talking about?  James is fine.  He’s with Lily right now.”  He gestured blindly behind him as though James and Lily were merely on the other side of the door.  
      Still, he shook his head, dejected.  "I hurt him.“  
      "When?” Sirius asked, not remembering anyone coming back particularly injured in quite some time.  
      “Last weekend.”  He buried his face in his hands.  
      Sirius shook his head again.  "When the potion wasn’t strong enough?“  A nod of conformation.  He stood up and leaned against the pillar.  "We all know that that’s not what happened.”  
      “No, it is.”  His eyes were bright red and weepy.  "I did.  I could have killed him.  Or Pete.  Or you!  And I…“  The ghosts of that night washed over him.  He was forced to consciously watch as his body betrayed him, Wolfsbane potion wearing off rapidly.  A still stag-formed James tried to keep him from going off into the woods alone, but he slammed him aside.  He couldn’t help it.  
"James.  Is.  Fine.  It was a scratch and he’s fine.  As long as we’re all Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail, you can’t really hurt us, and you always take your potion.  One bad batch does not make it all null.  Nothing happened!”  Sirius explained.  He was desperate to get the point across to him.  The potion wasn’t strong enough.  That’s all.  It doesn’t change the fact that that’s not him.  
      Remus would hear none of it.  He pulled his knees in tight to himself.  "But it could have!“  This conversation is what he wanted to avoid.  He didn’t want to hear anyone else’s view on what had happened.  The fact was that Remus was too much of a liability to himself and, more importantly, to the people he cared the most about.  
      Growing more exasperated, Sirius whined, "It didn’t, though!”  He paced a little, not once taking his eyes off of him.  
      Still, Remus likely wouldn’t have noticed.  "I’m too much of a risk.“  He downed the pink liquid and drowsed a bit, leaning back.   
      He didn’t know what to say anymore, so he decided to go for the best thing he could manage.  "Please, listen to me, I lo-” he scrambled, not sure if he could still be heard.  
      “I love you, Sirius.  You should know that,” Remus said, gripping Sirius’ outstretched hand as tightly as his weaning sense could manage.   
      “Remus, come on,”  Sirius plead.  His cries were moot.  He stared at his friend’s lifeless body before he reached across the bed and picked up the vial.  "Pale pink…“  He sped down the stairs, thinking of every pink potion he could, but they were all love spells.  "Antidote.  Antidote, antidote, antidote,” he chorused.  Every poison spell had to have one, he thought, and if he could do it in time, he’d be fine.  He surveyed the table’s contents quickly, “Valerian, lionfish spines, salamander blood…”  He sighed a bit.  Not poison.  Draught of Living Death.  Still a problem, potentially, but not irreparable.  His heart rate returned to normal and he climbed back up the stairs.  "Moony, you do know this doesn’t kill you right?“  He asked his comatose friend, tossing the tiny vial aside and plopping down on the edge of his bed, lifting the lid of his trunk.  "Did you also happen to know that James and I both keep Wiggenweld potion in our trunks because we’re "accident prone” or end up getting hurt because we’re assholes who like to illegally transform into animals and chase after werewolves on the full moon?“  He drew out a large bottle of a green potion and sat down next to Remus, lifting up his his friend’s hand to slap himself.  "Why is that relevant, you mook?”  He propped him up on the bed pillows so he’d be able to get the liquid into his  "Because it’s the antidote.  I’ll let you take your little nap because I love you too, you prat.“  He leaned down and kissed his hand, wondering if that was creepy, but not really caring about his that too much.  "Also, I secretly want to hesitate and see the look on James’ and Peter’s face when they get up here and you’re seemingly dead and I’m sat here with a bottle in my hands talking to myself or you.  They’ll likely think we’ve both gone daft after that Muggle play Lily made us all read.”  He laughed a little and then caught himself.  "Don’t take my joking as taking this lightly, I just think it’s cute that you took a sleeping draught.  In reality, I should be upset with you.  That was a dramatic confession and you didn’t even give me a chance to respond.“  He sighed a little, not allowing himself to really look at the seemingly-dead body of his best friend.  He knew that, even though he held the antidote, he’d freeze and start to cry if he let himself really acknowledge the gravity of the situation.  "But, this is about you.  So, what are we going to do with you?  Do we tell McGonagall whether you want to or not?  Because if you do this again, chances are that you won’t make the same mistake.”  He shrugged a little at his own musing.  "Do I take you up to Hospital, and then decide on McGonagall later after we lie to the nurse about how exactly you came to ingest the draught?“  Turning to face his friend, as though he’d answer back, he said, "Whatever happens, I won’t tell James and Peter.  That’ll be up to you.”  He leaned in confidentially, “But I’m going to take care of you, Remus.  I am.  I love you and you’re not going to go through this alone.  So, bottoms up.”  He poured a bit of the potion into Remus’ mouth and smiled sadly.  "Hi.“  
      Drowsily, Remus asked a weak "What?”  
      Sliding himself under Remus’ arm and hoisting him off the bed, he braced himself with a hand on his chest.  "Let’s get you up to hospital, babe,“ he coached.  
      "Babe?” Remus asked, still groggy.  
      Sirius smiled a little wider now, realizing that they’d actually both admitted their love for each other.  "Just something I’m trying out.“  
-  
      Normally, when Remus apparated into Grimmauld Place, Sirius came headed toward him from somewhere to say hello, but on this particular morning, that was not the case.  He padded up the stairs and turned into the upstairs sitting room.  "Hey, are you up here?”  Vacant.  He crossed the hall to his bedroom and called in.  "Sirius?“  No.  Not the bathroom or the study.  He turned around and was about to make the trek back downstairs when the ladder to the attic dropped down.  "What are you doing up here alone?” he asked, finding Sirius perched atop a stack of crates, wand in one hand, rope in the other.  
      “Apparently, you can’t use Avada Kedavra on yourself,” he said, not moving once.  
      Remus was taken aback.  "Come again?“  
      "I can’t use the killing curse on myself,” he repeated, voice a colorless monotone.  "I don’t think we’ve got anything in the house that would give me more than a trip to St. Mungo’s on a normal day,“ he mused, "but all that would earn me now is a couple days babysat by Molly and in bed.  So that’s all out.”  He looked down at the rope in his hands.  "I didn’t throw myself out the window because it would give away the location.“  He gestured his hands a little bit, wiggling his fingers for emphasis.  "There’s a sort of poetic justice to this house driving me to contemplate muggle means of suicide.  Hanging of all things,” he said, letting the items drop from his hands as he climbed down.  
      “What’s the matter?” Remus asked, offering his opened arms to the man in front of him.  
      “Everything!” he exclaimed, walking a short ways past Remus and turning back.  "I can’t stand it here anymore.  I can’t.  This place is killing me.“  Remus simply observed.  He could see that the house and the memories it held were taking their toll on him, even with Remus living there and the portraits of his family gone.  It was as if the halls had their own special memories.  He couldn’t blame him for hating it there.  "I left here and turned away from everything these people stood for and I can feel them creeping into my soul.  Or what’s left of it.”  Sirius turned back around, looking out the small vent window at the sun-drenched streets.  "I haven’t felt this broken down… maybe ever, and I’ve been under care of dementors.  At least when it was dementors, it came in waves.“  Just then, the idea struck him.  "Maybe that’s why I can’t do it, you have to have a soul to have the soul obliterated.”   He raised his arms in submission.  "You try it for me.“  
      Remus tossed his wand aside and crossed to Sirius.  "No,” he assured, wrapping the man in a tight embrace, “You, Padfoot, have a soul.”  He pulled away briefly and looked him in the eyes.  "In order for the killing curse to work, you need to really want the person dead with every fiber of your being.  And I would never ever want that, ever, do you hear me?  Ever.  Even if somehow you could talk me into trying it, I could never ever do it.  It would not work.“  He emphasized his last sentence with a squeeze to his hands with each word.  "From what I understand, it can be done, but only when the person wants nothing more than to be dead and that’s not the case here.”  
      Sirius looked genuinely surprised at the challenge.  "It’s not?“ he bit.  
      "No.  It’s not.  You want the circumstances to be better.”  Remus waited for an argument but got none.  "Do you know what I am going to do?“  
      "What?” he groaned.  
      He smiled slightly, trying to lighten the mood.  "I’m going to take care of you, Sirius.“  When the other man looked at him in disbelief, he een managed a light chuckle through the welled up tears that had, as yet, gone unnoticed.  "I am.”  He affirmed, then repeated the end of a familiar speech from so many years ago.  "I love you and you’re not going to go through this alone.“  He took him by the hands and yanked him up to meet him, their shared, gentle kiss a welcome addition.  
      "Wait-” Sirius said, realization dawning as they picked up their wands and crossed to the ladder.  
      “I was sleeping, not dead, remember?” Remus prodded.  
His mouth fell agape.  "That doesn’t… you heard all of that?“  He couldn’t force himself to remember his entire monologue, but he was sure he’d made a fool of himself.  
      "I did,” he said, clasping Sirius’ hand when they’d both reached the floor.    
      “Moony, that was years ago,” he said.  Was it possible that, for once in his life, he’d said the right thing when it mattered?  Even with his flair for the dramatic?  "You remember it word for word?“  
      Remus smiled.  "I do.”  After a moment, he added.  "I also remember being puppeted into calling you a mook.“  
      Yep, he remembered everything.  "Oh.”  
      Eventually, the pair reached the bedroom door and stopped.  "Yes.  So, what can I do?“  Remus asked.  "I’m not leaving your side.  Not for an instant.”  It wasn’t a threat.  It wasn’t because he was afraid that Sirius would hurt himself.  It was simple fact.  Remus Lupin was not going anywhere without Sirius Black.  
      Sirius shook his head a little.  "I love you, husband,“ he said, shoving him up against the door jamb and lacing his hands in his hair, kissing him hard and desperate.  
      Melting into the kiss, Remus echoed the sentiment.  "I love y-”  His previously closed eyes grew wide as saucers.  "Husband?“  Had he heard that right?  Sirius Black had just shown intent to marry someone?  Not just someone- him?  Suddenly he was sixteen and Moony and pressed up against some abandoned classroom door and they had their whole lives ahead of them.  
      "Just something I’m trying out,” Sirius quipped before a sharp snap in the kitchen diverted their attention.


End file.
